Holding Space for Each other

I am not a fan of psycho jargon and resist it with a passion. I like plain speaking that everyone can understand irrespective of background and opportunities in life, so we can connect more directly out of our shared human experience and we don’t get hooked into patterns of shame, irritation, frustration based on past trauma. 

Every once in a while however, some concept is so important that is needs to come more fully into mainstream language.   ‘Holding space’ is one such practice and concept.

Here are 8 aspects of Holding Space for someone or for a group of people.

 

1. Holding space for another person involves listening without judgement, without your own stories and personal experience getting in the way. It can involve listening without talking, but words reflected, specifically feelings and needs also play an important part to deepen the experience for the person talking.
   
   
2. When you hold space for another person, you create a safe container for complex emotions; fear, confusion, pain, anger, joy, excitement, arousal. When someone begins to trust that they are being safely held, they will explore more of their emotions, even to the extent of collapsing in pain or fear. They can trust that they are being seen, and witnessed, and held, and as people get more used to expressing complex emotions, having their full selves seen and witnessed often without any intervention other than presence, they can move beyond the intensity of the emotion into a calmer, more balanced state.
   
   
3. When you hold space for a person or a community you trust that they have the wisdom to solve their own problems.  When an individual needs to make an important decision, the best way to help the person is to facilitate their uncovering of their own wisdom.
   
   
4. When you hold space for someone, try to avoid ‘fixing’ a problem, making suggestions or giving advice. Being strategic isn’t holding space. Listening with warmth is.
   
   
5. When you hold space for someone, don’t take the topic and run off with it. If the person you are speaking to has lost a job, don’t say "Oh yes, that happened to a friend of mine" and then proceed to tell that story. Stay with the person you are with now.
   
   
6. When you hold space for someone, don’t ask too many questions (to direct the other person or, if you are naturally very curious, to satisfy this impulse in you). If the person you are holding space for isn’t talking much, that’s ok, give them space; don’t think that because there’s a silence, someone needs to fill it. If you get a sense they are in a stuck place that isn’t very helpful for them, you can gently ask them if they would like you to reflect back what you have heard to far … this may bring them back to themselves and move them forward.
   
   
7. When you hold space for someone, you let them lead. You are in service to their self-exploration.  If you are trying to fix things, you probably need someone to hold space for you to look at why you so need to contribute ‘solutions’ to this person’s life.  Don’t judge them. If you find yourself getting concerned for their or another person’s safety and well-being, you can name your feeling and make a request, “I’m noticing as I listen to you that I am beginning to feel concerned for your safety, I’m wondering if you would check in with me tomorrow morning, so I know …(you got home safely … or whatever. I will write more in a separate post about intervening in someone’s life whose safety and well-being is in danger.)
   
   
8. When you hold space for someone, remember this metaphor of the Cello. Imagine there are two cellos, one being played, one not. The Cello not being played will begin to resonate, producing a sustaining overtone that amplifies and expands the frequencies of the original note.  This is known as a wolf tone, or simply a "wolf". When we listen empathically, our bodies become the resonating chamber of the second cello. We all know how to do this.
   
    
   
    
   
   

Many of those who testified to the atrocities they had endured under apartheid would speak of being healed by their own testimony during the Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearings in South Africa. P.89 Turning to one another Margaret Wheatley

 

 

But before you can hold space for others, you need to ‘hold space’ for yourself. Remember these brief points.

1. If you are getting triggered by what they are saying, you need to acknowledge this to them and walk away. Something like, “I’m noticing I’m having a strong reaction to what you are saying and I can’t listen any more as I’m getting upset and emotional. I need to have some time alone.”
   
   
2. Let others hold space for you. This is easy once you get used to it. You will begin to crave having space held for you. It is really delicious being heard without judgement.