The Foundations of Nonviolent Communication
Overview of NVC components and what to distinguish them from (Intro to Key differentiations)
Observation
Feeling
Needs
Request
Different kinds of requests:
A connection request welcomes the other person in and shows that I am ready to connect and listen.
(Be specific about the action you want to see happen. The problem with requests such as ‘Can you be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting?’ or ‘Can you just let me be!? are too vague to help you get what you are needing.)
Connection / nonharming
Observation
- Differentiate from Evaluation or Interpretation
- An Observation can be shared by everyone
- An observation isn’t controversial
- An observation can establish some common ground
- An observation can help you get to Needs
- An observation can help you address challenging situations without the other person immediately shutting down.
- Example: When I think that I have waited a year and have not returned the money you owe me.
Feeling
- Differentiate from what we think others are doing to us eg I feel attacked
- Real feelings point to yourself.
- Thoughts point to what the other person is doing.
- Staying on your feelings helps you get closer to what you are needing
- Example: I feel frustrated
Needs
- Differentiate from Strategies
- A strategy is a way of meeting a need.
- There are many ways/strategies to meet needs. If you hold too tightly to one strategy, that doesn’t work for another person, you might get stuck.
- Hold tightly to your needs, loosely to your strategies.
- Example: Because I’m needing some trust that we can make progress
Request
- Differentiate from lack of request (or implicit request) or demand
- Sometimes we state what’s going on for us “I am really tired.” And expect someone to offer to do something for us.
- Why not take that extra step to make a request “Would you be willing to go to the shop for me?”
- Requests need to be SMART:(Specific, Measurable, Affirmative, Realistic, Time-related)
Different kinds of requests:
- Request to self
- Connection request
A connection request welcomes the other person in and shows that I am ready to connect and listen.
- Action request
(Be specific about the action you want to see happen. The problem with requests such as ‘Can you be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting?’ or ‘Can you just let me be!? are too vague to help you get what you are needing.)
- You can use a Connection request to Check that message sent is message received. (If you are worried about sounding ‘weird’, put the emphasis on you not being sure if you are expressing yourself clearly, rather than the person not getting you. )
- Linking your request to a feeling and need, is a very useful strategy.
Connection / nonharming
- Differentiate from wanting to get your own way / manipulation
- To consider and advocate for everyone’s needs, not only your own.
- NVC is primarily the skill of listening rather than the skill of speaking