More Foundations of Nonviolent Communication
Communication that blocks compassion
There are different ways that communication gets stuck in patterns that block compassion. There might be no space for one person to be with what is going on for them, or one person might go to moralistic judgement (etc) to avoid revealing what is going on for them.
In A Language of Life Chapter 2: p.16, Marshall Rosenberg writes
“Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself. When I encountered people or behaviours I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness.”
Our attention is focussed on classifying, analyzing and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.
A tragic expression of a need … are analyses of other human beings and can also manifest scaling up to violent acts … ‘tragic’ because when we express our values and needs in this way, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviour is of concern to us.
p.17
Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met.
p.18
At the root of much, if not all, violence, is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself in terms of vulnerability, that is what one might be feeling, fearing, missing, longing for, yearning for.
Cold War, USSR seen by US as evil empire bent on destroying American way of life and US seen as imperialist oppressors who were trying to subjugate them. Almost exactly the same discourse with Western states and ISIS/ISIL now.
Marshall organised Communication that blocks compassion in the following way:
I have to give grades because it’s District policy (the dictates of authority)
I choose to give grades because I want to …. Keep my job. (here speaker is revealing what is going on inside and talking responsibility for actions)
Non empathic responses (look familiar?)
Some NVC practitioners call language that includes judging and blaming ‘Jackal language’ (Marshall Rosenberg did)
And the antidote to all of this is reflective listening and connecting to Feelings and needs (Marshall Rosenberg called this Giraffe language).
Practice situations:
You are in a habit with a friend of always going to visit her at her house. You are tired of this as it takes you 2 hours to get there and back. You value this friendship. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
Do the same for these situations:
A colleague has decided not to go to a meeting you really want them to go to. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
A friend owes you some money. Nothing has been said about it for 6 months. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
A boss hasn’t invited you to a team meeting you expected to go to and have been preparing for. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
There are different ways that communication gets stuck in patterns that block compassion. There might be no space for one person to be with what is going on for them, or one person might go to moralistic judgement (etc) to avoid revealing what is going on for them.
In A Language of Life Chapter 2: p.16, Marshall Rosenberg writes
“Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself. When I encountered people or behaviours I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness.”
Our attention is focussed on classifying, analyzing and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.
A tragic expression of a need … are analyses of other human beings and can also manifest scaling up to violent acts … ‘tragic’ because when we express our values and needs in this way, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviour is of concern to us.
p.17
Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met.
p.18
At the root of much, if not all, violence, is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness in one’s adversaries, and a corresponding inability to think of oneself in terms of vulnerability, that is what one might be feeling, fearing, missing, longing for, yearning for.
Cold War, USSR seen by US as evil empire bent on destroying American way of life and US seen as imperialist oppressors who were trying to subjugate them. Almost exactly the same discourse with Western states and ISIS/ISIL now.
Marshall organised Communication that blocks compassion in the following way:
- Diagnosis
- (Moralistic judgments - implying wrongness/badness on the part of those who don’t do what we want)
- Making comparisons (can block compassion for ourselves and others)
- Denial of responsibility (you made me do it, I have to do it.)
I have to give grades because it’s District policy (the dictates of authority)
I choose to give grades because I want to …. Keep my job. (here speaker is revealing what is going on inside and talking responsibility for actions)
- Demands (a demand explicity or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply
- Discounting - any use of language which denies or invalidates an individual’s human experience. It may include denying differences or framing reality only at the individual level without acknowledging a systemic dimension. It may involve only seeing a person as a representative of a category of people eg refugee
Non empathic responses (look familiar?)
- Gathering data / asking questions “How long has this been going on for?”
- One-up “That’s nothing, when I ….”
- Feeding the fire “What! That’s terrible”
- Giving advice/ suggestions “You should …” / “Have you thought about …”
- Story telling “I remember once I …”
- Don’t feel “Don’t worry.”
- Sympathy “I know how you feel.”
- Analyze “I think you have a really negative attitude.”
- Judging/criticising “You’re so sensitive …” / “It’s your own fault”
- Tell the person what to do “Get up and do something”
- Educating “Why don’t you look at this like this …”
- Distracting “Oh well …”
- Comparison "She’s much better than me"
- Generalising "He is always saying negative things about women"
- ‘Or else’ threat “Eat your food or else there’s no pudding.”
- ‘Have to’ “I have to do this job. There’s no choice.”
Some NVC practitioners call language that includes judging and blaming ‘Jackal language’ (Marshall Rosenberg did)
And the antidote to all of this is reflective listening and connecting to Feelings and needs (Marshall Rosenberg called this Giraffe language).
- I’m hearing you say ..
- Are you feeling ….?
- Are you needing ..?
Practice situations:
You are in a habit with a friend of always going to visit her at her house. You are tired of this as it takes you 2 hours to get there and back. You value this friendship. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
- When I observe …
- I feel …
- Because I’m needing …
- Am I willing to …
Do the same for these situations:
A colleague has decided not to go to a meeting you really want them to go to. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
A friend owes you some money. Nothing has been said about it for 6 months. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
A boss hasn’t invited you to a team meeting you expected to go to and have been preparing for. Explore your inner response using the palette of Observation, Feeling, Need, Request