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1. When you want to react. Notice what is happening.
2. Get support. (See 2* below on naming triggers ‘live’)
3. Connect to your feelings and needs. What is happening for you? What needs of yours aren’t being met?
4. Consider what might be going on for the other person? What needs of theirs are they trying to meet?
5. See if you can recognise that conflict and tension are natural, and are drivers for change.
6. Move from disputed territory; proving right and wrong, innocent and guilty and with someone who has the power to act as a judge. We are all conditioned with this so be aware of this.
7. Move into the objectives of direct dialogue:
   1. acknowledge hurt,
   2. acknowledge responsibility,
   3. step into learning and growth,
   4. move from disputed things to ….
   5. sharing the dilemma and  ….
   6. making agreement about next steps.
8. Have direct dialogue, with support. Stay close to your feelings and needs and theirs. Don’t attempt direct dialogue if the person has harmed you and you are not resourced to engage.
9. Reflect, Integrate, celebrate, mourn

2* If you are triggered by what someone has shared, in the moment, name that and get support “I’m feeling triggered and I need some support to self-connect around it. Can someone listen to me about it?” Whether this is done live (in the moment, with the whole group) or not depends on the relevance of the issue to the group’s purpose (for example, if a group’s purpose is raising awareness around inclusion and exclusion, then someone naming another person’s blind spot is relevant, if a group’s purpose is making an action plan for a campaign, it may be relevant to prioritise a different space for this.)
 
 
 
 

© Ceridwen Buckmaster www.ceribuckmaster.co.uk
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