Foundations of Nonviolent Communication - Self responsibility
Feelings and taking responsibility for them: A Language of Life - Chapters 4 & 5Marshal wrote that ‘What people say may be the stimulus of our feelings but never the cause.’ He argues that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs in the moment.
Note: as we learn more about trauma responses, this seems to me to be an oversimplification. However, the move toward self-responsibility is crucial for a nonviolent world, and in many cases, what Marshall write rings true for me.
From Emotional Slavery, to the Learning stage to Emotional liberation: Marshall’s frame
We become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for other’s feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense.
“That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings”
We may end up expressing ourselves in ways that sound rigid and unyielding to the ears of others.
Support for this stage could be remembering:
Stage 3: Emotional liberation is when we respond to the needs of others out of compassion. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions but not for the feelings of others. We are finally aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. It involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support relating at this level.
Distinguish between how we feel and how we think others are behaving towards us.
Watch out for words that distance us from the vulnerability of feeling our feelings
Notice the difference between: I feel (something) because you did (something) and I feel (something) because I’m needing (something)
Eg. I felt hurt when you didn’t call me on my birthday
Marshall preferred to link a feeling to a met or unmet need.
Eg I felt hurt because I was needing some connection and consideration.
If you try out these sentences, notice any subtle differences in how they land within you.
(For me, when I focus on my own feeling and needs rather than what another person has or hasn’t done, I feel more grounded and empowered. I feel clearer about what I value and what works for me.
Words describing how we think others are behaving towards us (not feelings words)
Abandoned
Abused
Attacked
Betrayed
Bullied
Cheated
Coerced
Cornered
Diminished
Ignored
Intimidated
Let down
Manipulated
Misunderstood
Neglected
Overworked
Rejected
Taken for granted
Threatened
Four options for receiving hard to hear messages:
1. Angry or judgmental thought about others
This involves making judgements and reacting
“She’s so self-centred. She can’t see anyone else’s problems. She’s just obnoxious. She can just get lost”.
2. Angry or judgmental thoughts about yourself / taking it personally
This involves accepting the other person’s judgement and blaming ourselves
Eg in response to hearing “Can you just wait! It’s really irritating hearing you ask again for this”
Blaming myself could include me.
“I’ve really messed up again. Why do I keep doing this? I know she is really stressed at the moment and she’s doing me a favour. I’m going to lose her friendship. She won’t like me any more.”
3. Sense your own feelings and needs
Shine the light of consciousness on own feelings and needs. “When I hear this, I feel hurt, not heard and seen. I also feel irritated and a bit scared. I would love some gentler response and some recognition of what’s going on for me. I would also love some communication and clarity around a shared agreement of when this job is going to get done. I’m also trying so hard to communicate compassionately. I’m making a huge effort and I’d like some recognition of this and for this to be received with an open heart and some encouragement.”
4, Sense other’s feelings and needs
Shine the light of consciousness on the other’s feelings and needs
“Are you feeling irritated and overwhelmed right now? Would you like some acknowledgment of everything that’s going on for you.
Miki Kashtan: self-responsibility and taking responsibility for the effect of our actions
Miki suggests that self-responsibility is emphasised within NVC communities, and we also need to spend time on the capacity to take responsibility for the effect of our actions instead of focusing on being seen for our intentions. She advocates for this capacity to be much more widely understood and acted on within the NVC community.
Note: as we learn more about trauma responses, this seems to me to be an oversimplification. However, the move toward self-responsibility is crucial for a nonviolent world, and in many cases, what Marshall write rings true for me.
From Emotional Slavery, to the Learning stage to Emotional liberation: Marshall’s frame
- Emotional slavery is when we believe we are responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy.
We become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for other’s feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense.
“That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings”
We may end up expressing ourselves in ways that sound rigid and unyielding to the ears of others.
Support for this stage could be remembering:
- Honesty is definitely a gift more precious than accommodating people to prevent them from getting upset.
- Learning to express your needs at the risk of dealing with the displeasure of other is a COURAGEOUS ACT.
Stage 3: Emotional liberation is when we respond to the needs of others out of compassion. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions but not for the feelings of others. We are finally aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. It involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support relating at this level.
Distinguish between how we feel and how we think others are behaving towards us.
Watch out for words that distance us from the vulnerability of feeling our feelings
- I feel that you should know better
- I feel like a failure
- I feel as if I’m living with a wall.
Notice the difference between: I feel (something) because you did (something) and I feel (something) because I’m needing (something)
Eg. I felt hurt when you didn’t call me on my birthday
Marshall preferred to link a feeling to a met or unmet need.
Eg I felt hurt because I was needing some connection and consideration.
If you try out these sentences, notice any subtle differences in how they land within you.
(For me, when I focus on my own feeling and needs rather than what another person has or hasn’t done, I feel more grounded and empowered. I feel clearer about what I value and what works for me.
Words describing how we think others are behaving towards us (not feelings words)
Abandoned
Abused
Attacked
Betrayed
Bullied
Cheated
Coerced
Cornered
Diminished
Ignored
Intimidated
Let down
Manipulated
Misunderstood
Neglected
Overworked
Rejected
Taken for granted
Threatened
Four options for receiving hard to hear messages:
1. Angry or judgmental thought about others
This involves making judgements and reacting
“She’s so self-centred. She can’t see anyone else’s problems. She’s just obnoxious. She can just get lost”.
2. Angry or judgmental thoughts about yourself / taking it personally
This involves accepting the other person’s judgement and blaming ourselves
Eg in response to hearing “Can you just wait! It’s really irritating hearing you ask again for this”
Blaming myself could include me.
“I’ve really messed up again. Why do I keep doing this? I know she is really stressed at the moment and she’s doing me a favour. I’m going to lose her friendship. She won’t like me any more.”
3. Sense your own feelings and needs
Shine the light of consciousness on own feelings and needs. “When I hear this, I feel hurt, not heard and seen. I also feel irritated and a bit scared. I would love some gentler response and some recognition of what’s going on for me. I would also love some communication and clarity around a shared agreement of when this job is going to get done. I’m also trying so hard to communicate compassionately. I’m making a huge effort and I’d like some recognition of this and for this to be received with an open heart and some encouragement.”
4, Sense other’s feelings and needs
Shine the light of consciousness on the other’s feelings and needs
“Are you feeling irritated and overwhelmed right now? Would you like some acknowledgment of everything that’s going on for you.
Miki Kashtan: self-responsibility and taking responsibility for the effect of our actions
Miki suggests that self-responsibility is emphasised within NVC communities, and we also need to spend time on the capacity to take responsibility for the effect of our actions instead of focusing on being seen for our intentions. She advocates for this capacity to be much more widely understood and acted on within the NVC community.