ABC of Empathic Listening

 
 
A=Allow and accept what you are hearing and how it is being expressed (unless you really can’t, see below).
 
B= Boundaries. Use a Time Boundary. Use reflecting back Feelings and Needs as a structure.
 
C=Connection. Use your Resonant Warmth and Generosity so that the other person really feels your humanity radiating towards them. Empathy is not mechanical.
 
 

 
ABC of Empathic Listening (more detailed guidelines)
A=Allow and accept what you are hearing and how it is being expressed. If someone is stuck, you are not trying to ‘unstick’ them. Try and connect to the relief of not trying to fix anyone. A is for Acceptance, not for Action (although Action comes, and there may be times when you cannot ‘accept’ what you are hearing)
B= Boundaries. Empathic listening is a very boundaried practice.

• Empathic listening is like active listening, you are doing a lot,it takes energy, It may be useful to do in short, boundaried time frames, listening for 5 mins or for 15 mins. I can rarely listen empathically for more than an hour. Being upfront about how much listening energy you have might be useful “I have about 5 mins of space within me to listen right now.”

• Be clear where the spotlight of attention is? Imagine a spotlight following wherever the focus of attention is .. “Person A starts talking and Person B says oh yes, I can connect to that, what I find is ….. “ and before you know it the spotlight has turned onto person B.
• Watch out for phrases like ‘I just don’t know what to do’ or ‘what do YOU think I should do?’ I reflect these back with ‘So you really don’t know what to do…. You’re stuck.’ How easy it is to say “Have you thought about doing x?” and then very subtly, you are leading the conversation.
• Allow silence. If it’s very uncomfortable you can name that. “I’m noticing this long silence, and I’m wondering if you need anything from me.”
• Avoid saying “I have the same problems with my daughter.” Although hearing about someone else’s similar difficulties can be very soothing and perspective giving. But try not to assume that what the other person is talking about is so similar to your situation. Your situations will normally be very different and one or two elements might resonate, but that’s all. The danger of talking about your own situation is that the other person loses the healing space to be with their painful emotions, your voice will pull them empathically towards giving you space.
• Avoid saying “You’ll be OK” as a default thing to say when someone is having a hard time. Having said that, expressing trust that a person can resolve this situation can be nice to hear, if it’s heartfelt, usually at the end of listening fully.
• If you are struggling to focus or when you are overwhelmed by the subject. You can either go slower and reflect back more so you stay connected with the person. “I’m feeling lost and a bit overwhelmed, would you be open to me reflecting back more to help me stay with you. I really want to stay with you.”
• Or you can state clearly that you cannot listen any more. And you can find another time to talk if the person still needs to talk.
• The boundary of Feelings and Needs. When the person you are listening to is upset with YOU, you can still listen empathically, reflecting back the feelings they are feeling and what they are needing. “You felt upset when I didn’t come to your evening drinks the other night, you were really needing some support, just me being there would have been really nice for you. Why this is very boundaried, is that I can connect to what is going on deep inside you, without any kind of judgement of right and wrong, and blame (I should have been there ..). there are of course, all the very good reasons, including my feelings and needs around why I didn’t go, and if the person has been listened to enough they might have the space to hear these reasons.
• Boundaries in empathic listening make it robust enough to tackle the hardest and harshest of issues. NOT bringing myself in protects me. It means I can listen to people talk about sexual and racist abuse and violence, domestic violence, physical violence, conflict of all kinds, and trauma and PTSD. And of course .. this is the dance of communication .. sometimes the situation requires that I bring myself in for integrity and other needs.
   

 
C=Connection. Use your Resonant Warmth and Generosity so that the other person really feels your humanity radiating towards them. Empathy is not mechanical.
If you can’t be in this resonant space of warmth and generosity. Stop, acknowledge you don’t have capacity. Go and do something lovely for yourself.
Remember, when people are offloading with a lot of energy, this is because they have a very deep, strong need to be heard on something. This need may be chronic and urgent.