A=Allow and accept what you are hearing and how it is being expressed (unless you really can’t, see below).
 
B= Boundaries. Use a Time Boundary. Use reflecting back Feelings and Needs as a structure.
 
C=Connection. Use your Resonant Warmth and Generosity so that the other person really feels your humanity radiating towards them. Empathy is not mechanical.
 
 

 
ABC of Empathic Listening (more detailed guidelines)
A=Allow and accept what you are hearing and how it is being expressed. If someone is stuck, you are not trying to ‘unstick’ them. Try and connect to the relief of not trying to fix anyone. A is for Acceptance, not for Action (although Action comes, and there may be times when you cannot ‘accept’ what you are hearing)
B= Boundaries. Empathic listening is a very boundaried practice.

• Empathic listening is like active listening, you are doing a lot,it takes energy, It may be useful to do in short, boundaried time frames, listening for 5 mins or for 15 mins. I can rarely listen empathically for more than an hour. Being upfront about how much listening energy you have might be useful “I have about 5 mins of space within me to listen right now.”

• Be clear where the spotlight of attention is? Imagine a spotlight following wherever the focus of attention is .. “Person A starts talking and Person B says oh yes, I can connect to that, what I find is ….. “ and before you know it the spotlight has turned onto person B.
• Watch out for phrases like ‘I just don’t know what to do’ or ‘what do YOU think I should do?’ I reflect these back with ‘So you really don’t know what to do…. You’re stuck.’ How easy it is to say “Have you thought about doing x?” and then very subtly, you are leading the conversation.
• Allow silence. If it’s very uncomfortable you can name that. “I’m noticing this long silence, and I’m wondering if you need anything from me.”
• Avoid saying “I have the same problems with my daughter.” Although hearing about someone else’s similar difficulties can be very soothing and perspective giving. But try not to assume that what the other person is talking about is so similar to your situation. Your situations will normally be very different and one or two elements might resonate, but that’s all. The danger of talking about your own situation is that the other person loses the healing space to be with their painful emotions, your voice will pull them empathically towards giving you space.
• Avoid saying “You’ll be OK” as a default thing to say when someone is having a hard time. Having said that, expressing trust that a person can resolve this situation can be nice to hear, if it’s heartfelt, usually at the end of listening fully.
• If you are struggling to focus or when you are overwhelmed by the subject. You can either go slower and reflect back more so you stay connected with the person. “I’m feeling lost and a bit overwhelmed, would you be open to me reflecting back more to help me stay with you. I really want to stay with you.”
• Or you can state clearly that you cannot listen any more. And you can find another time to talk if the person still needs to talk.
• The boundary of Feelings and Needs. When the person you are listening to is upset with YOU, you can still listen empathically, reflecting back the feelings they are feeling and what they are needing. “You felt upset when I didn’t come to your evening drinks the other night, you were really needing some support, just me being there would have been really nice for you. Why this is very boundaried, is that I can connect to what is going on deep inside you, without any kind of judgement of right and wrong, and blame (I should have been there ..). there are of course, all the very good reasons, including my feelings and needs around why I didn’t go, and if the person has been listened to enough they might have the space to hear these reasons.
• Boundaries in empathic listening make it robust enough to tackle the hardest and harshest of issues. NOT bringing myself in protects me. It means I can listen to people talk about sexual and racist abuse and violence, domestic violence, physical violence, conflict of all kinds, and trauma and PTSD. And of course .. this is the dance of communication .. sometimes the situation requires that I bring myself in for integrity and other needs.
   

 
C=Connection. Use your Resonant Warmth and Generosity so that the other person really feels your humanity radiating towards them. Empathy is not mechanical.
If you can’t be in this resonant space of warmth and generosity. Stop, acknowledge you don’t have capacity. Go and do something lovely for yourself.
Remember, when people are offloading with a lot of energy, this is because they have a very deep, strong need to be heard on something. This need may be chronic and urgent.
 

 

The aim of Empathy injection to share the ‘tools of empathy’. It’s very confusing in the media and scientific research what Empathy even is. Some researchers talk about Cognitive empathy (ability to imagine what life might be like for someone) and Affective empathy (ability to feel what the other person is feeling)
I draw on the Nonviolent Communication understanding of empathy;  empathy is allowing space for the other person to feel what they are feeling, so they can get clarity, so they make changes to improve things.

Some people take on feelings and experiences of other people very easily, that is not the aim of this kind of Empathy. If that happens to you, make sure you hold yourself, imagine a protecting power holding your back so that whatever comes in, can go out again. You could also say to yourself as you listen to someone else “I take what is mine and leave what is yours.”

Often we don’t know what we are feeling, we don’t know what we are needing. It takes some reflection to discover this. It’s really like holding up a mirror to what the person is saying. “I’m hearing you say this …”. It’s important to be aware of interpretations and your own feelings. Don’t reflect back “I’m hearing you say (this) and (this) is your own stuff/interpretations/feelings”

It’s very important that the spotlight of an empathic conversation is on one person, rather than bouncing about all over the place as it does in regular conversations, which results in not much listening really happening, just a lot of talking in the vague hope of being heard.

Agreeing to talk for a limited amount of time each might seem a bit artificial and controlling, but this time boundary can be very supportive in having an effective conversation with more listening happening. Active listening can be very demanding so you can’t do this for hours on end! Agreeing to listen to someone with intent for 10 or 15 mins can be hugely effective in getting to the bottom of an issue. (See my ABC of Empathic Listening for more on Allowing, Boundaries and Connection when listening)

How to practice Reflective listening:
(To listen without own thoughts and feelings getting in the way of the speaker’s important process of self-discovery)
 
I’m hearing you say …
What I heard you say is …
Do not skimp on the Reflective listening.
 
How to utilise the Boundary of feelings and needs:
Use the energy of curiosity to guess, rather than say the following in a ‘diagnostic’ way.
Are you feeling upset because you’re needing communication and respect?
(to get out of the habit of linking your feelings with whatever someone has or hasn’t done  eg “I’m feeling upset because you didn’t call.”)
 
How to give Feedback  to someone when you are listening to them:
When someone talks to you, things gets triggered and stimulated for you, usually as positive or negative judgements. This is real, unavoidable, and there could well be important information in this for the person speaking.
Always ask permission before you give feedback, ask a question or share something from you.
 
“Something’s coming for me and I’m wondering if you are open to hearing it?”
“I’m telling myself you’re probably not gonna like this, would you still like to hear it?”
Asking permission gives the person a little bit of time to prepare themselves to hear.
 
Feedback phrases:

• I’m telling myself that … (great way to introduce a judgement but acknowledging it’s a story.)
• “What I’m telling myself is you’re a bad loser”, is so different to “You’re a bad loser.”
• I’m wondering …
• What would happen if ….
• I notice …. I could be completely wrong …

Keep it as short as possible. Remember, the spotlight is still on the other person. Don’t take it for you.
Always follow feedback with this question “What happens to you when you hear that?”
There will then be more opportunity for Reflective listening and Feelings and Needs guesses because other stuff will come up.
 
 
I acknowledge Maria Arpa’s work around Giving Feedback. Maria does excellent 3 day trainings in her application of Nonviolent Communication which she calls the Dialogue Road Map. https://www.centreforpeacefulsolutions.org/